15.51pm Sunday 5 April 2020
Dark thoughts and light duties. These have been my companions for the day. Despite the brilliant blue sky I have not been out for a walk. Some undefined thing has held me back from venturing out today. It might be the chilly breeze from the south east. The sea is rippled and the patterns all show that the prevailing wind today is from that direction. There are also waves crashing onto the stone built ‘whatsitsname’ next to the Palace Pier. I have forgotten what those things are called. Temporarily forgotten.
I woke early to the nasty side of my nature. I had spent some waking dream time trying various combinations of scenarios where I could kill off trump, johnson and all those others who I feel are sacrificing people to further their own selfish ends. I rolled over, snuggled deeper under the duvet and continued my murderous onslaught telling myself that I was exploring a plot for a story. That is partly true. I do have the first chapter of a gory thriller lost somewhere on the computer. I loved writing it but I have lost it. I have looked till I am blue in the face but so far no luck. These stories do give me an excuse to take a good look at my own darker side without feeling guilty. I give myself full reign and am somewhat surprised what I come up with.
This morning I came up with some sobering thoughts. Like ‘In the battle between good and evil both sides commit atrocities’ I’d never realised that before. It is true because both sides think they are right and the other side is either wrong or evil. Those who think they are in the right can always come up with good excuses for their wrong doing. Everyone sets aside their own first guiding principal “Thou shall not kill.’ The christian church dumped that one almost from the outset and everyone else followed suite despite continuing to espouse the commandment. The doctrine of do as I say and not do as I do.
Depending on the time of day and what is happening in my life I am either an optimistic pessimist or a pessimistic optimist. Or both. Typical Gemini if you believe in Astrology. So I revel in unleashing the recesses of my mind when I’m safe, warm and comfy.
‘Fancy a thought dear? Courtesy of Lockdown dontcha know. Savoury or unsavoury? Libellous or slanderous? It’s all the same to me.’ And so I wriggle around in bed planning all sorts of revenge. Doing all sorts of horrid things to horrid people. Yet I consider myself to be a good, nice human being. How come I can think of all those vile nasty things? Then another thought comes up from the depths. ‘Altruism morphs into self interest and power.’ That sends shudders down my spine.
There is more than a smidgeon of truth there I believe. At this point I look at my newly ‘batteried up’ atomic clock. Jose brought some batteries with my shopping yesterday. It is nearly 1pm and time for me to get up. But I hold on a while. I have yet to sort out my day. What am I going to do? It is Sunday and I feel there might be more people out and about than during the week. I have things building up here which need my undivided attention.
All last weeks laundry for example needs to be folded up and put in their drawers. The 20 or so T-shirts need folding too. I have been putting that of for days now. I need a shave and a shower and the prospect of a walk recedes into the distance. One problem solved. Up and a dash to the loo. Double wash the hands before going to the kitchen to put the porridge in the microwave and the kettle on for tea and to wash last nights dishes. I sit on the balcony with my long distance glasses on and survey the roof tops before me. I look for my seagulls, Mr and Mrs Gimpy, to see if they have finally nested yet. No? What is going on over there in their nest? They have been fucking for days. I feel, I might be wrong, that they are late getting the family started.
What are the other gulls doing around here? They are all swooping and playing gully games in the air. Few if any seem to be bother this year about nesting. Am I wrong in my analysis of what is happening in Gull world? Not Christopher Gull world. Seagull world. Things do not seem to be the same or similar this season. Perhaps it is me. Perhaps it is my timing. Perhaps I have put their nesting time forward and they are not due to settle down just yet. That does not stop me from worrying about them. I’ve followed Mr and Mrs Gimpy Gull for several years now. They have not been at all lucky when their chicks fledge. The past 3 years they have lost 6 chicks at fledging time. I have watched over them with awe and wonderment as they grow from fluffy feathered golf balls on lollipop legs to big feathery beauties ready to take on the world. Then one day after a couple of weeks flapping their wings they jump off the roof and never come back. They should always come back. Their parents still have to feed them. After the marathon shagging sessions I’ve got my fingers crossed for this year. But no show as yet.
I’m still happy TV news detoxing. I can leave it all up to those brave souls who have spent their entire lives news watching. They can and do analyse the world far better and deeper than me. I’m just a dipper and nit picker. I’m incredibly curious but not so curious that I want to dive in and get too involved. Channel Four News and Newsnight has been all I could stomach but recently even those I cannot watch. I cannot take on the burden of what is happening outside my flat. Not any more. Perhaps in a week of so. When I’m feeling stronger.
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