00.08am Tuesday 19 May 2020
Today would have been my mother’s birthday. She might have been well over 110 had she lived. This is the first time I’ve remembered her birthday in decades. I cut her out of my life in the mid 80’s during the HIV/AIDS period. She would not, did not want, to understand or help me through a crisis of confidence at one stage. A stage when I desperately needed and wanted a few kind words. I got nothing but grief. So I cut her out of my life.
It was not hard at the time nor does it seem hard when I look back. So she had to go. I needed support during those terrible times not the deadweight of her catholic guilt. My work with my dying brothers was more important to me than to allow her to drag me down. Literature over the decades, if not centuries abounds with stories of parents disowning their children. Cutting them out of inheritances, trying to force them back into the fold. Emotionally blackmailing them, without any shame. They were rarely ever portrayed as being wrong. It was always the children who were the wrong uns. I could never understand why it was acceptable for a parent to disown and disinherit a child of theirs but not acceptable the other way around. Those who held the purse strings dished out the guilt big time. There were no purse strings in my case. I did what I knew was right for me. So happy birthday mum where ever you are. Just because you were my birth mother it does not automatically follow that I should have loved you unconditionally. I’m not a dog.
I moved on to happier thoughts and actions. Like others in this lockdown situation, I have shopped online, little bits that have taken my fancy. Some were clothes to cover this rapidly expanding frame and some were useful things I now need. Like a long handled toe nail clipper. That arrived this afternoon. Last week my Monocular arrived. I can now view my gull family close up and personal. The nest is much bigger than I thought. Who ever was on incubation duty this morning was sitting on the eggs and pulling the nest apart then rebuilding it around themselves. Making it more comfortable for them to sit for hours at a time. I’m expecting to see the chicks within the next two weeks.
I’m just getting into the habit of using my online banking account.
Not all my online shopping has been a good experience. I might have been the victim of an online scam. Last Friday evening I finally decided to buy pair of very baggy beige overalls. I opened up the page and clicked on the item to put it in the basket. I chose one other item and proceeded to the checkout. I filled in all my personal details and went onto the next page which required my choice of card and bank information. I clicked on visa and filled in the boxes ready, to proceed to the final page. Suddenly, without warning, a paypal page appeared on screen thanking me for using paypal for my purchases. I was shocked.
I closed the webpage immediately. I sat there panting, wondering why on earth did that happened? I’ve never used paypal in my life. Why should they suddenly commandeer my payment via visa? I calmed down and tried with another online firm selling T-shirts. The same thing happened but I was quicker off the mark in shutting down the page. I was furious. How fucking dare they. These American money firms have absolutely no right to interfere with my transactions. They have no shame about the way they do business. Once I calmed down I tried to fathom out what had just happened and did I do something wrong? I did not do anything wrong. Paypal interrupted and took over my purchasing. I was so angry I went onto their website to see if I could find out what had happened. There may be trouble ahead.
I had to go through the whole rigmarole of signing onto paypal as a new customer to see if I could find anything at all relating to me. Nothing. Nothing to indicate that I was an old customer re signing again after an absence.
There was nothing there to indicate that I had made any purchases. But to make things worse they sent me an email confirming I had ordered through them. This I copied and pasted onto my pages and saved it onto the desktop.
It dawned on me then that perhaps I had been scammed. It was a false company embedded within the computers of the company I tried to buy my clothes from. It had all happened so fast that it just had to be something strange or illegal. There was nothing I could do until yesterday, Monday, morning. I called my bank and eventually managed to speak to someone. A young woman who after an hours going back forward could offer me no help. The paypal had already been debited against my account. All she could say was I should close the paypal account I had opened on Saturday in my attempt to find out what was going on. I did that but before doing so I told her to put a block on my account for any further payments for paypal just in case it is a scam. I told her in no uncertain but polite terms, I regard this as a potential fraud. I said I wanted my phone call to reflect my feelings on the issue. So I’ve either lost nearly £50 or I will get my clothing because paypal are operating very dubious business practices. If it does come through I will have to try to learn to love them despite paypal’s dubious business practices.
15.03pm Wednesday 20 May 2020
It has been at least 10 days since I reported that Mrs Gimpy Gull has laid her eggs. I’m not sure how long incubation is with gulls but I think it might be somewhere between and 10 and 14 days. I’ve got my monocular so I should be able to see them when they poke their heads out from under their parents wings. That is something to look forward too. I’m like a child again. I remember when my nan took me to see my first ever film in Paignton. It was Alice Faye in Alexanders Ragtime Band. That was the moment that hooked me on song and dance movies throughout my childhood and teens. Starting with Alice Faye and ending with Marilyn Monroe.
There are two other things to look out for in the coming days or weeks. The big one is a delivery of my baggy overalls from BangGang or whatever they are called. The second are some patches which remove skin tags. Both these companies are in the USA so it might take time for them to arrive or not as the case may be. I told Art all about my mishaps with Paypal last w/e. Ever helpful he gave me some good advice. He after all has more experience doing things online than me. He said if I see something advertised on FB that I like, then to Google the company up. If they also appear on Google it might be better to buy from that site rather than on FB. Also, now that I have my online banking with the Co-op and Halifax, it might be a good idea to designate one of my debit cards purely for paying for goods bought online. To keep it topped up from one or other of my accounts. If I do have the misfortune to come up against online fraudsters then that is the only account they can reliably steal from. If it is regularly topped up to no more than £120 then that is the maximum I will lose.
That of course is the theory. Whether or not that theory works out as I think it should is another story all together.
The one piece of good online buying news is that my Japanese Kimono arrived this morning. I am so pleased it looks great on me. The company is an English company and listed their phone number on the card they sent.
I phoned through and got the director. What a nice man. I thanked him for the kimono and told him I was wearing it as we spoke. I asked about other more colourful designs in my size for the future. He said, after looking up his files, that he should have the black one with the red embroidered dragons coming in my size on the next shipment. He also said this was the first time they had done bigger sizes. And he will keep my requests in mind for a much brighter pattern when he orders next time. It is really nice to actually speak to someone who knows what they are talking about. I look forward to doing some business again with him soon. Sayonara.
My inexpensive Primark dressing gowns now are going into the wash prior to the charity shop. They are fluffy polyester and do not breathe so I get hot and sweaty whilst wearing them. Anyway they were no good for dance practice. I get too hot just washing the dishes in them.
I’m wittering on about inconsequential things but they are important to me. I have not seen or heard the news for over 4 weeks now and even then I’m overwhelmed with all the negativity on FB. Those two vile, ugly men are dominating the whole of the northern hemisphere’s news. You cannot escape them. I tried retreating back into book 3 but have failed to keep on writing. I think I’ve written myself into a cul de sac. On thinking about it over the past few days I realised that I had starting to write with publishing in mind. That is not what I want to do or where I want to go. I understand now that I must write purely for myself as I did the first two books. Forget any idea about publishing. That has impeded my creativity. Also the Shaggy Dog Story I started to write at the beginning of lockdown for my FB timeline has petered out. Not because I did not enjoy doing it but no one seemed to be reading it I will try to resurrect it again. If no one wants to read it then I can do it just for me on my computer here.
It is getting time for me to meet Art who is on his gin run and taking me out for walkies.
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