I have yet to meet a non-binary person who has had a positive experience with a gender identity clinic (GIC).
IN case you don’t know, a non-binary person is someone who doesn’t identify as male or female. In my case, I am agender. Meaning I don’t identify as either.
Despite the GIC’s poor track record in the non-binary community, I wanted to believe that they would treat me. I was also running out of options. After two years of being fussed around by GPs or being flat-out denied an option to get corrective surgery, I felt like the GIC was my last hope.
After a change of GPs, I secured a referral to the GIC. That was back in June 2013.
And then I waited………..
By November 2013, I received a letter asking me if I was really sure I wanted to attend a GIC and warning me not to miss appointments. I enthusiastically ticked “Yes!”.
And then I waited………..
By January 2014, I was getting antsy. Even though it stays cold in England well after the winter months, the approach of summer fills me with dread. Nothing makes me more aware of my chest than feeling sweaty. And even though binders bring my mind comfort, they cut into my sides painfully and don’t breathe – so sweating is likely.
I called and asked. They said they weren’t taking any new appointments for people referred after May 2014 at all. I tried not to cry. I tried not to panic or fret. And instead I tried to cope, hoping that one day I’d be seen and I could start looking forward to a referral to a surgeon.
And then I waited. And waited………………
Summer came and went and one Saturday in October 2014, in the middle of Camden High Street, I received a call asking if I could come in the following Monday. Being unable to notify my work, I regretfully said no, but then was able to schedule an appointment in the beginning of September 2014. This was much better than was previously promised. I smiled and hoped.
And then I waited…………….
I attended my first appointment in September 2014. The psychiatrist seemed more worried about my hormones than I was. Being born with a condition where I don’t make sex hormones, I have been on hormone replacement therapy since I was 12. Recently I was put on a low dose of testosterone, just so I could produce body hair.
“You have to tell them you don’t want a beard,” the psychiatrist said to me gravely. She was more bothered about beards than I was. I couldn’t grow armpit hair and I knew well enough from trans friends that some trans men on even very high doses of testosterone don’t get close to growing beards until they’d been on it for a while.
I thought it strange that someone working in a GIC would seem so unfamiliar with what hormones actually can do. But still I had hope.
After my first appointment, I waited……………
I was scheduled for another appointment in late February 2015. I got excited. I thought I might get some real answers about how long it would take for me to get referred for surgery.
When the appointment came, I told my story. My lack of financial support due to having no family. My incredible need for chest surgery. My previous unsuccessful attempts at fundraising. All of it.
I, if you’ll pardon the pun, got it all off my chest.
The psychiatrist said he had to meet with the team and he would be in touch with an answer.
And then I waited……
Recently, just before Transgender Day of Visibility, I received a letter discharging me from the Gender Identity Clinic, denying me surgery. The letter, in addition to spelling my name wrong, getting my chest size wrong, and referring to me with the wrong pronoun throughout said:
“We would not countenance endorsement of an irreversible surgical procedure unless the individual had been able to demonstrably consolidate a social transition including name change to the preferred gender role.”
I can’t argue my case. I actually would pursue a name change, but only when it was more feasible for me to. The process currently and in the past two years seeking visas has not be simple or ideal for me to do. It would have created more hassle for me as an immigrant to change my name, and destroy my credit history.
I don’t recall ever being asked if I was planning to change my name.
And in terms of “consolidate a social transition”… what does that mean for someone who is agender? I’m not capable due to the current position of agender people as invisible of socially transitioning. I am not able to remove my gender marker from any legal documents or use a gender neutral title.
All of my close friends know my identity. I am not out at work – but I’m also not necessarily out or advertising of my bisexuality or disability… that doesn’t mean I am not serious about those identities either.
I don’t recall being asked about this at either of my assessments.
My only steps now are to complain or try to get re-referred. Both of which will take time. And as time passes and passes, my life is stagnating. You can’t know or understand the feeling of your body not being right unless you’ve had that feeling. It’s like an aggressive skin tag right in my line of sight that won’t go away.
Sometimes I secretly hope that I have a form of cancer that will give them no choice but to remove my chest. And then I’m disgusted with myself for thinking that. Surely this is not the way people who don’t need surgery feel about their bodies?
While the world passes by me and I wonder how much longer I will have to deal with this cloud over my head, I am doing best to pursue all options. But in the meantime, I want people to know what it takes. What transgender people face when trying to get medical help. What hoops we have to jump through and what retired ridiculous standards of gender we have to bow to. And how easy it is for everything we’ve worked for to slip away.
And now..…. I wait………
Lola is currently fundraising for their corrective chest surgery on YouCaring. If you would like to donate, click here:
Twitter: @LolaOlson
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