Monica needed all the resilience she could summon up. She was furious at yet more transphobic, homophobic and sexist rhetoric coming from the right-wing press.
SOMETIMES she didn’t read it, but right now she felt she needed to know. She knew she had to take care of herself, she’d been so depressed and anxious a couple of years ago that she’d wondered if she’d make it through. She felt more hopeful about her own life now, things had definitely improved, but what about other trans women?
Monica knew how lucky she had been. She had a friendly, open, supportive GP. They had made a huge difference to her coming out as trans and seeking support. She had a job which she enjoyed, another massive bonus, and she had been able to keep employed through her transition. Not easy, but she was still there.
Other things had been much harder. Her family, for instance. Public harassment had been, and was still, horribly stressful, frightening, isolating. And the media ‘debates’ were part of that too. She was particularly distressed by attacks on trans people on national television, with trans women in particular attacked very viciously. She felt that the increased visibility of trans people, which was wonderful, also made everyone more vulnerable, which was terrifying.
MindOut Trans Advocacy services
MindOut runs one of the first Trans Advocacy services in the UK. All our services equally value the experiences and rights of trans women and trans men with those of cisgender women and men. We know that Monica isn’t the only person whose mental health has been affected by publicity around ‘the bathroom debate’, or misleading figures on how many children are being given ‘sex-change hormones’ (spoiler alert – the answer is none). We’re concerned that this narrative misrepresents the truth of many trans, non-binary and gender variant people, which is that their gender is simply not applicable to debate – it is fact.
We work with many trans and gender variant people who are struggling with their mental health and self-esteem in extremely hostile environments. Street harassment and rejection from peers or family is compounded by the transphobia reflected in the poor treatment under the current NHS referral system. Gaining access to life-saving treatment can take up to four years for a first appointment with a specialist service.
Trans MindOut service user
When I finally conjured up the strength to come out as my authentic self I was hit with horrific abuse, intolerance and hardship. I was married to a woman, had two kids and lived all my life as a man. Internally, I was a mess, my self-hatred was unbearable and I wanted to die. I was living a painful existence because I was a woman pretending to be a man, lying to everyone, including myself. At 51 I thought, “Shall I kill myself and end this misery right now? Or shall I speak to someone about transitioning, come out as trans, see what that feels like? If it’s awful, and it might be, then I can kill myself. At least I would die as me, the real me.” This was the most liberating and empowering thought I had ever had!
I told my wife who threw me out of our home, threatening that I’d never see my kids again. I was bombarded with calls from my wife’s friends and family all pretty much repeating what my wife had said. I worked for my brother-in-law who threatened my life and sacked me. At this point I felt like I’d been hit at full speed by a truck. I no longer felt empowered, everything was so out of control, I’d made a huge mistake, lost my kids, home, job, pride, dignity – everything!
I walked and walked in a daze, distressed and confused. I walked through the night. I didn’t sleep, I’d nowhere to sleep even if I wanted to. I found myself at my cousin’s flat early the next morning. She is lesbian, but sadly her response to my situation was no less angry. However, I was able to shower and sleep, and I felt safe. She had an advocate at MindOut and suggested I go there. When I met with the advocate, this was the first friendly, caring response I had. I didn’t feel judged and I didn’t feel humiliated, I felt supported. Over the coming months he helped me apply for housing and benefits, and he came with me to see my GP.
I was penniless and couldn’t afford food. I was broken about not seeing my kids and frightened that they’d be disgusted by me. I was frightened of my wife’s family who continued to threaten and abuse me. But I’d started this rollercoaster and I needed to hold on to see what the end looked like.
I started to feel more confident thanks to MindOut, they helped me be more resilient. At MindOut I met people like me, struggling like me. I started to dress in female clothes. Some friends I met at MindOut gave me clothes they no longer wanted. I bought make-up in the pound shop and at night I’d go from one charity shop to another going through bin bags of clothing and patching together ill-fitting outfits from tatty dirty items of clothing; I had no choice, I couldn’t afford clothes.
Twelve month later, I’m still estranged from my family and unemployed. I’ve been awfully depressed and continue to struggle with thoughts of suicide. I was housed by the council but it was a fight and only happened because of my MindOut advocate. I’m on hormones and I’m under the Gender Identity Clinic in London. I do see a future, I have hope, and at times I feel happy. I made an awfully hard choice and I’ve been hated by others for making that choice, sometimes I hate myself for making it too – but, if I didn’t I’d be dead today, no question.
Photo by Stella Pix of MindOut stall at Trans Pride Brunswick Square.
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