There’s something on my mind. It’s been on my mind since 2012 but it’s only something I’ve recently started feeling comfortable with.
I’M coming out. Again. But this time it’s different. This time I’m putting myself up for all kinds of scrutiny. You see, I’m disabled.
It feels weird saying it out loud. Some of you may not actually think it’s a problem or something that you have to ‘come out’ about but my disability is hidden. By opening up and calling myself disabled, I’m opening up to those who think that because I’m not in a wheelchair, I’m not disabled.
I’d been having what I was calling frequent blackouts for years but in 2012 the doctor diagnosed me with dissociation. My blackouts mean that I lose time from my shortest of 3 minutes to my longest of 6 hours. My brain clocks out and I enter a dissassocitave state. It’s hard to explain what this feels like but it’s like a really foggy day with someone in the distance but you can’t see them and you’re squinting so hard but the fog is so thick.
I also got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and severe anxiety. These things together mean that everyday, I’m scared when I wake. Sometimes I can’t leave the house for fear of people watching me. Some days I physically can’t leave my bed. Some days I can’t walk 100 meters without throwing up because that’s how my body deals with anxiety and some days I can’t trust myself holding kitchen knives. Some days I lose hours and end up somewhere I don’t know, often without my shoes.
Talking about my disability is hard when people tell me in a shocked voice “what you’re disabled?” Or the judgement I get when I use my disabled railcard as the inspector looks me up and down to check I’ve not stolen it. I suppose they’re looking for the wheelchair or crutches but it always hurts.
Talking about something isn’t easy when it’s not so obvious to all. We need to start talking and opening up this conversation without the scrutiny that’s attached to it.
Everyday I, and the rest of my community, live a battle that’s laid out for others to decide our fate whilst we sit there and hope they’ve actually listened. From the demeaning ATOS interview (where you have to ‘prove’ your disability in front of someone who isn’t qualified to assess you in order to keep your benefits) to Piers Morgan preaching to the morning crowd that if you’ve got legs, you’re not disabled and perpetuating the myth that we’re scroungers and lazy. Oh for him to live my life for one week.
And that’s why I’ve made my new theatre show, How disabled are you? The show asks 3 disabled people who have never performed before (some with hidden disabilities, some who claim benefits) to take to the stage and read 3 interviews I collated over a 7 month period.
These interviews are filled with pent-up aggression towards those who are reading them. It explores real attitudes towards people who claim benefits, drink out of Sports Direct mugs and have disabilities that are often hidden from the eye.
But this is just the beginning of a very long conversation that needs to be had. It’s taken me 7 years to be OK with the fact that I’ll always be disabled. It’s really tough to write that. We need a community of people behind us, a group of disabled people to make our conversation louder and if How disabled are you? is the start of that crescendo for one person, then my work here is complete.
Event: How disabled are you?
Where: Junkyard Dogs: The Doghouse @ Brighthelm Centre
When: May 3, 4, 17 and 18
Time: 4.30pm
Cost: £9.50/ £8 (concession) use gscene as the code and get 25% discount
To book tickets online, click here:
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